How to Respond to a Narcissistic Parent (Without Losing Your Mind)

You know the feeling. Your mom calls, and within five minutes she's brought up something from 10 years ago. "You sat me at the worst table at your wedding." "Your wife didn't even offer me coffee when I was at your house." And before you know it, you're defending yourself, explaining, justifying — and she's winning.

I've been there. For 25 years, actually.

Both my parents are narcissists. My dad wasn't around much, so it was mostly my mom. We've gone through cycles of no contact — once for 2 years after she hijacked my university graduation, then another 3 years after things blew up between her and my wife.

Last December, I broke the silence because my dad got cancer. He refused to see me in the hospital, so I ended up spending the day with my mom. It was surprisingly pleasant — we talked about everything except anything personal. Then after dinner, she dropped it: "We need to talk about what happened."

And that's when something different happened. For the first time in my life, I didn't take the bait.

Why Your Usual Responses Don't Work

If you're reading this, you probably already know about JADE — Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. You know you're not supposed to do it. But in the moment, when she says something so outrageous, so unfair, so completely wrong about you — every cell in your body wants to set the record straight.

The problem is, setting the record straight is exactly what she wants you to do. Because now you're engaged. Now there's a conversation. Now she can twist your words, move the goalposts, and keep you on the defensive for the next two hours.

I had a comeback for every single accusation my mother threw at me that evening. Every one. But I'd tried that approach for 25 years, and it never worked. She just kept recycling the same topics because she knew they triggered me.

So I tried something completely different.

The Alzheimer Technique

Before that trip, I kept repeating something to myself: if my mom had Alzheimer's or dementia, I wouldn't argue with her. There would be no point. You don't try to reason someone out of a delusion caused by a disease.

So I decided to apply the same logic. She's sick. It's her illness talking. There is zero point in explaining myself or justifying anything.

When she started, I just said: "I'm not going back to the past. What happened, happened. Let's focus on the present and on supporting dad with his recovery."

That was it. That was my entire script for the evening.

She didn't accept it. She kept digging, throwing out things she knew would get under my skin. "Your wife is cold and heartless — she didn't even offer me coffee when I was at your house." "You sat me at the worst table at your wedding." Stuff from years ago.

I just kept repeating the same line. "I'm not going to discuss things from the past."

It was incredibly hard. I felt like I was in a high-stakes interrogation. I could literally feel the sweat running down my back. Every part of me wanted to fire back and put her in her place. But I kept thinking — Alzheimer's. No point. She's very ill.

After about 10 minutes, she just stopped. Completely changed the subject to something random she'd seen on the news. Like a switch flipped. A 10-minute narc episode and then — done.

Twenty minutes later she tried again. It was getting late, my defenses were low, and she stepped up her game with even more provocative topics. But I held the line. Same sentence, over and over.

Then she stopped again. Changed her whole demeanor. And said: "Thanks so much for coming. I'm so happy you're back."

I called my wife that night and told her that meeting was transformational.

The Broken Record Technique

What I did that evening, I later learned, has a name: the Broken Record technique. You pick one short, neutral sentence and you repeat it no matter what they throw at you.

The key is picking a sentence that:

• Doesn't engage with their specific accusation
• Can't be argued with
• Doesn't give them new ammunition
• You can say calmly, every time

Some examples:

• "I'm not going to discuss the past."
• "I understand you feel that way."
• "That's not something I'm willing to talk about."
• "I've already answered that."
• "My decision is final."

The narcissist will try everything to break your loop. They'll escalate. They'll bring up more sensitive topics. They'll cry. They'll rage. They'll go quiet and then try again 20 minutes later when they think your guard is down.

Your job is to be the most boring broken record in the world.

Gray Rock: Become Invisible

Gray Rock is another powerful technique. The idea is simple: you make yourself as interesting as a gray rock. You give short, bland, emotionless responses to everything.

The narcissist feeds on your emotional reactions — your anger, your hurt, your need to explain. When you stop providing that fuel, they get bored and move on.

Gray Rock works especially well for ongoing relationships where you can't go no-contact — like a co-parenting situation or a parent you still see at family events. You're physically present but emotionally unreachable.

The Hardest Part: The Gap Between Knowing and Doing

Here's what nobody tells you about these techniques: knowing them isn't enough.

I'd read about gray rock years ago. I'd watched Dr. Ramani's videos. I understood the theory perfectly. But the moment my mom said something that triggered me, all of that knowledge evaporated. I'd find myself three sentences deep into a justification before I even realized what I was doing.

The thing that finally made it click for me was practice. Not reading about it — actually rehearsing the conversations out loud. Hearing myself say "I'm not going to discuss the past" over and over until it felt natural. Until it became muscle memory instead of a concept I'd read about in a book.

That's actually why I built Nagi — an app that lets you practice these exact conversations with AI that responds like a real narcissist. Because the gap between reading about boundaries and actually holding them under pressure is enormous. And the only way to close that gap is repetition.

If you're not ready for an app, try this: stand in front of a mirror and practice your one sentence. Say it 20 times. Say it calmly. Say it when you imagine her saying the worst thing she could say. Say it until it feels boring.

Because boring is exactly where you want to be.